new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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