worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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