it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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