Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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