he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
