So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
