Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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