I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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