life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
