My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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