my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
