the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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