i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize