DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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