Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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