i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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