first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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