Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize