i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
