Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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