cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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