Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize