I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
