I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
