It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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