the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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