It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
