I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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