she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
