Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
