I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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