no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
