i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
