I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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