My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
