the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
