Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
