yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
