Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
