I can tuck mytits in my pants
Fuck appropriateness.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize