Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize