my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
