I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
