i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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