When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
