If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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