I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
