god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
