Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
