Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
