Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
