Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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