I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
