I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
