Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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