she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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