There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
