shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
