Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize