So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
