Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
