I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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