Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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